confession:

sometimes, I want the lie.

Buffy: Does it get easier?

Giles: What do you want me to say?

Buffy: Lie to me. 

Giles: Yes, it’s terribly simple.

The good guys are always stalwart and true, 

the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns 

or black hats, 

and we always defeat them and save the day.

No one ever dies, 

and everybody lives happily ever after.

Buffy: Liar.

Baby E...

the real reason for the weekend trip.

No, it wasn't to see 'Air Java'... although the antics of a lab are always fascinating.

Nor was it to discover I DO like tulips - just not the 'regular ' kind... 

make mine 'parrot'!

 

These looked like my favorite 'sherbet' on a stem!

It was to 'shower' these folks

with love and loot!

And to remind myself

that even in the midst of life altering circumstances

in MY life,

people I love are having life altering events 

within their own lives as well.

Children to raise,

babies to be born,

relationships in crisis,

health scares,

struggles with addiction, 

personal sojourns,

etc...

Funny though 

how even when you're convinced 

your relatives fill up several cars of the crazy train

all by themselves,

there's always room for one more!

It was a terrific weekend!

Here's what I love about my family - 

the differences in height,
shape,

skin tones  

and the fact
that not one of them

 is 'normal'!

A gorgeous weekend - filled with 'the arts'

My recent trip 'up north' was a terrific reminder that, 

in some communities,

 the visual arts are not only supported 

but celebrated.

 Evanston was hosting a street festival downtown 

devoted to the arts programs in all their school - 

whole blocks closed off -

and projects proudly displayed.

The area teeming with children and their families

all oohing and ahhing over their creations.

Here are some of my favorites!

the Totems -

created from paper-mache milk bottles,

tribal masks,

 and terrific colorful villages - 

made from paint chip strips.

(An idea I intend to copy soon for myself!)

Between the sun, a lake breeze 

and catching up with some of the littles 

I see far too infrequently,

it was a wonderful day.

After a family dinner with even more people I love

some of us had a big decision to make...

choices, choices...

Guess which way they went?

 a lotus blossom, 

symbolizing life, death and rebirth

 and a memorial for his cousin, Mark.

His birth and death years will be added 

at a later date.

No, I didn't get one.

I'm saving mine for after the Camino -

and then I'll get a scallop shell on my foot,

reminding me to walk 'the way' in faith.

I was just there to document their adventures,

lend moral support

and protect them from the troll in the waiting room

smoking a huge joint...

OK, so the guy was really eating beef jerky...

first glances can be deceiving 

and they were nervous.

All was well.

Despite some folks surprise that

'a mom' had gone ahead 

and gotten inked!

Trust me;

I know I’m not the first person who ever planned to retire  

precipitously. 

(Can you tell how controlled my life is when I think 10 months ‘notice’ is precipitous?) 

I’m a ‘boomer’ -

there are literally millions of us 

facing this issue every year…

but knowing that 

doesn’t necessarily translate 

to being comfortable with it 

or thinking it’s a good idea – 

for me!

(Remember, 
our mothers practically invented 
the reality check phrase – 

“If all your friends were jumping
 off the roof, 
does that mean
YOU should do it!?”)

The minute I decided on a retirement date 

(March 15th, 2014) 

and said it out loud, 

it was so frightening 

that I wanted to walk it back 

immediately …

I was still on a vacation ‘high’; 

it was jet lag; 

it was an exaggerated period of 
post vacation return to work syndrome.

After all, I’d heard God – 
clearly I was delusional. 

Do these voices happen to everyone who decides to retire - 

or only us crackpots who do it in response to what God is telling us? 

Even though I KNOW in my heart of hearts – 

and even further south, 

in my gut – 

that it's the right decision, 

a whole litany of disparaging voices 

started clamoring in my head. 

It’s a terrible mistake; 

you don’t have enough   any money saved; 

you’ll be the old lady, sitting in the cold house, 

who has to eat dry cat food 

because she’s so poor;

what if your ‘plans’ don’t work out – 

your ‘plans’ have gone awry before, you know - 

what if you tell everyone 

and then, 

for some reason, 

you renege on Gods plan 

and change our mind, 

you'll look really foolish …

well, you get the point.

At the peak of the internal clamor

a friend walked in my door, 

carrying an unexpected gift -

a bookmark she saw
on a recent trip to New Orleans 

that made her think of me.

Clearly it was our shared vocation

and not shared high cheekbones

or decolletage

that brought the resemblance to mind!

I  have been a Social Worker

since 1971 - 

and I've never heard of this Saint Louise chick!

She's done such a great job 

of "maintaining her boundaries"
(always a big deal with us)

that she's been virtually invisible.

Flipping the card over to read more about her,

I was particularly struck by the last sentence!

Funny, the voices have gone back into hiding - 

at least for now!

Here's what I know:

* I'm being called away from the life I've known for over 30 years.

* As much as I've loved my job and believe I do it well, 

the conviction that this part of my life is over 

has only grown stronger
since returning from Scotland.

* I will be retiring early next year.
and not the five years from now I had initially planned.

Here's what I don't know:

* what I'll do next.

* Who I'll be without the adrenalin rush of the ER.

* How I'll ever find the strength to walk away.

* How I'll support myself.

Believing in the messenger and the message 

doesn't mean the receiver got it right - 

OK, here's a few more things I know:

* this is the scariest thing I've ever done.

* hearing Gods voice,
trusting it 

and 

acting on it

are very different things.

* my ideal 'next life' career would be 

working in a floral shop on Iona.

* sadly, there isn't one!

* I'm praying like mad
that there's a Plan B!

Art and Iona

Because of the incredible light,

color

and natural typography 

of Iona, 

it has long attracted

artists

of all persuasions...

Two, very different, pieces of art 

came home with me

as souvenirs of a life changing trip.

The one above
of the North End Beach
where I spent so much time
was created by

Gordon Menzies

The one below, by artist, 

Lynne Kerr.

is watercolor on hand crafted paper, 

using silk strands

and, in this case, sheep's wool,

to create a lovely piece,

evocative of the sea

and the coasts

of the Scottish isles.

Wordsmiths also find rich ground

for inspiration

and the poems of

Kenneth Steven became new favorites.

Resolution

And suddenly the sun broke through the sky

And I was home, a broad Atlantic

Stumbled over rocks and creamed in rage

A tug of storm hung low across the shores

Water color blue and broken green.

How did I lose my way or once believe

That there were riches bigger than this simplicity

Or that any other tide could speak, or heal

The wounds of searching deeper cut than pain

Where here I stood by heaven hearing God?

Love, love, love it!

And the one below so perfectly sums up my experience

I feel the poet was living inside my head...

poor Kenneth!

Is this place really closer to God?

Is the wall thin between our whispers

And His listening? I only know

The world grows less and less -

Here what matters is conquering the wind,

coming home dryshod, getting the fire lit.

I am not sure whether there is no time here

Or more time, whether the light is stronger

Or just easier to see. That is why

I will keep returning to this place

That is older than my understanding,

Younger than my broken spirit.

Sometimes

in

all

the

rush

and

hurry

of

our

lives

we

need

so

much

just 

now

and

then

to 

find

an

                                                                         island.

Friends,

I've been lucky enough to have several islands in my life -

and all of them have helped shape me,

by defining who I am

and how I want to live.

But none of them 

more than Iona.

I'm making plans to use the insights,

dreams

and peace

I found there 

to shape the rest of my life.

I'm excited

and terrified - 

not necessarily 

in that order

and certainly

not in equal measure. 

All shall be well...

(Note to self

repeat daily, 

as needed!)