Where I am

Act Three

Act One and Act Two are through

Act Three is all that's left.

My costume is less grand

My lines are less than I'm used to.

And yet, the stage is set.

The audience, such as it is, remains.

I'll give my best

I'll play the lesser part

I don't expect a curtain call.
 I expect ... a broken heart

Wording matters

Break out the soapbox, I'm climbing on.

Let me say it as loudly as I possibly can - 

and hope my words aren't discounted by my white privilege -

Black Lives Matter;

being black 

while living, 

driving, 

bird watching, 

BBQing, 

doing yard work

walking

playing

inhabiting public space

or jogging

is not a crime and shouldn't result in death,

EVER.

There HAVE to be reforms in our policing procedures and judicial systems 

to address the systemic inequities inherent at their very core.

But every time I hear the phrase "Defund the police",

it makes me want to scream.

I have NO problem with redirecting funding  

away from the militarization of police forces across the country

and toward more social services:

housing resources,

mental health services, ie. outpatient counseling and residential options, 

substance abuse treatment programs,

in home parenting skills, 

domestic violence/child abuse prevention services,

job training and re-training, 

at all levels and for all ages,

better schools, 

more technology for more people ...

etc. etc. etc.

Our jails have become de facto psych hospitals;

our police forces are asked to deal with all the social ills

that local governments and national politicians refuse to address 

and pay for.

Ironically, I've been told that all of the above is exactly 

what 'Defund the police' means;

and, if true, then its advocates need to find a better,
less provocative phrase to encapsulate their message.

Prior to entering retirement 6 weeks ago,

I worked with police nearly every day -

both street officers and Detectives.

I think its the height of naivete 

to think our society could ever abolish a police force and, 

when you cry for "Defunding the police" that, in my mind, 

is exactly what you're advocating. 

Maybe your privilege and inexperience has protected you

from being in the same room with someone

capable of raping, to death, a 4 months old baby;

or someone who shows no remorse about inflicting life threatening head injuries 

and multiple broken bones to a toddler 

who interrupted their video game.

Maybe you've never seen a mother willing to pimp out her 9 year old daughter 

to multiple strangers

for a days worth of drugs.

I've seen it all -and so much more in 35+ years - on the front line.

Trust me when I say 

there are certain situations

in which social services will NOT be the answer;

certain people you WILL want off the streets;

you WILL want the police to investigate 

and you WILL want the judicial system to hold them accountable. 

As long as our country tolerates malignant individualism,

and human beings operate with free will,

there will be people who refuse services;

you can't make someone want to get better.

Yes, by all means, lets get additional services in place 

to hopefully mitigate the depth of pathology 

that sets in from years of ignoring problems,

but lets at least go in with our eyes open.

 Lets stop kidding ourselves
that a concept with an inaccurate and misleading slogan
is going to fix

the ills that are entrenched in our country.

The light dawns

Always we hope

someone else has the answer,

some other place will be better,

some other time it will turn out.

This is it.

no one else has the answer.

no other place will be better.

and it has already turned out.

At the center of your being

you have the answer;

you know who you are

and you know what you want.

There is no need 

to run outside 

for better seeing.

Nor to peer from a window.

Rather abide at the center of your being;

for the more you leave it,

the less you learn.

Search your heart

and see 

the way to do

is to be.

The speed of life

Let me state categorically that I can't keep up.

Maybe its because I'm old;

maybe its because I thought retirement would mean hours of unscheduled time, 

accountable to no one but myself, 

whiling away the hours of a day 

with my whim as the sole determinate of my time.

Maybe the warranty on the executive decision making part of my brain

finally died after being overdosed with adrenaline for decades 

and it's finally sunk into the comfort of an overstuffed sofa

watching reruns of Law and Order.

Whatever the reason,

I'm officially struggling with the speed with which life is moving theses days.

Between Zooming for movie club, Vestry, church meetings, 

abuse review board, book discussions

plus telephone calls to folks around the country

both for business and pleasure,

my days are remarkably full.

I never had to keep a calendar of my scheduled calls before

and I'm not sure I want to now.

There's an expectation of immediacy that I find troubling;

everyone working from home at their computers,

 or with cell phone in hand,

thinking that because they had a thought or question 

which they shared with you,

it will be equally as important to you and you'll respond within seconds, 

if not minutes.

Somebody tell them, in case they haven't figured it out,

that ain't happenin' with me.

Then there's the 'real world';

all the 'stuff' that's happening around the country 

as we slide deeper into a dictatorship;

one in which human rights and decency are sacrificed

on the altar of power and photo ops.

When I see news that haunts me,

about which I ruminate

in the privacy of my garden while ripping out weeds, 

ie white 'Karen' calling the police on a black man 

whom she perceived as being a 'threat' to her 

while he's peacefully bird-watching, 

asking her to stop breaking the law and leash her damn dog

(the expression of anger is mine, not his; he was remarkably cool);

just when I think I have crafted a message 

which speaks to the Superpower white females have -

even if they're not aware of it -

that of being responded to and believed -

the very next day, 

some new atrocity pushes that story right off the front page

and assaults us with more horror

ie a police officer in Minneapolis, a TRAINING OFFICER,

kneeling on a mans jugular for almost 9 minutes,

killing him in real time before our eyes;

as he cries out for his Mom and asks for mercy.

There are SO many levels of wrongness in this scenario, 

its hard to narrow down which ones to focus on.

This officer KNEW this victim - and not because he'd arrested him before -

but because they worked together at a local bar.

Jesus, how do you remove yourself so far from the humanity of another person 

that you KNOW

that you're still able to squash him under your knee

with absolutely NO regard?

On my worst days at the office, I'm guilty of saying I could throttle a co-worker;

no doubt, co-workers are capable of pissing you off;

but, seriously?

And those cops standing around watching it happen?

Two of them were on their 4th day on the job.

Captain POS was their Commanding officer.

I'm not implying they shouldn't be held accountable.

I just wonder how many of us, 

after realizing our career goal, 

going through all that's involved in the police academy

and finally being 'on the streets',

would have the courage to openly and directly confront their Superior,

let alone get into a physical confrontation with him 

which is what it would have taken for him to be stopped;

knowing most certainly their actions would lead to their career being ended before it began.

 Either way, they were screwed;

screwed but George Floyd might still be alive.

That's a huge difference.

Too many problems for me to fix;

going back outside to plant sunflowers, zinnias and lavender;

Going outside to, in my own small way, plant beauty and hope.