The speed of life

Let me state categorically that I can't keep up.

Maybe its because I'm old;

maybe its because I thought retirement would mean hours of unscheduled time, 

accountable to no one but myself, 

whiling away the hours of a day 

with my whim as the sole determinate of my time.

Maybe the warranty on the executive decision making part of my brain

finally died after being overdosed with adrenaline for decades 

and it's finally sunk into the comfort of an overstuffed sofa

watching reruns of Law and Order.

Whatever the reason,

I'm officially struggling with the speed with which life is moving theses days.

Between Zooming for movie club, Vestry, church meetings, 

abuse review board, book discussions

plus telephone calls to folks around the country

both for business and pleasure,

my days are remarkably full.

I never had to keep a calendar of my scheduled calls before

and I'm not sure I want to now.

There's an expectation of immediacy that I find troubling;

everyone working from home at their computers,

 or with cell phone in hand,

thinking that because they had a thought or question 

which they shared with you,

it will be equally as important to you and you'll respond within seconds, 

if not minutes.

Somebody tell them, in case they haven't figured it out,

that ain't happenin' with me.

Then there's the 'real world';

all the 'stuff' that's happening around the country 

as we slide deeper into a dictatorship;

one in which human rights and decency are sacrificed

on the altar of power and photo ops.

When I see news that haunts me,

about which I ruminate

in the privacy of my garden while ripping out weeds, 

ie white 'Karen' calling the police on a black man 

whom she perceived as being a 'threat' to her 

while he's peacefully bird-watching, 

asking her to stop breaking the law and leash her damn dog

(the expression of anger is mine, not his; he was remarkably cool);

just when I think I have crafted a message 

which speaks to the Superpower white females have -

even if they're not aware of it -

that of being responded to and believed -

the very next day, 

some new atrocity pushes that story right off the front page

and assaults us with more horror

ie a police officer in Minneapolis, a TRAINING OFFICER,

kneeling on a mans jugular for almost 9 minutes,

killing him in real time before our eyes;

as he cries out for his Mom and asks for mercy.

There are SO many levels of wrongness in this scenario, 

its hard to narrow down which ones to focus on.

This officer KNEW this victim - and not because he'd arrested him before -

but because they worked together at a local bar.

Jesus, how do you remove yourself so far from the humanity of another person 

that you KNOW

that you're still able to squash him under your knee

with absolutely NO regard?

On my worst days at the office, I'm guilty of saying I could throttle a co-worker;

no doubt, co-workers are capable of pissing you off;

but, seriously?

And those cops standing around watching it happen?

Two of them were on their 4th day on the job.

Captain POS was their Commanding officer.

I'm not implying they shouldn't be held accountable.

I just wonder how many of us, 

after realizing our career goal, 

going through all that's involved in the police academy

and finally being 'on the streets',

would have the courage to openly and directly confront their Superior,

let alone get into a physical confrontation with him 

which is what it would have taken for him to be stopped;

knowing most certainly their actions would lead to their career being ended before it began.

 Either way, they were screwed;

screwed but George Floyd might still be alive.

That's a huge difference.

Too many problems for me to fix;

going back outside to plant sunflowers, zinnias and lavender;

Going outside to, in my own small way, plant beauty and hope.