Not gonna lie

 As indicated in my last post,

the past few months have been hard. 

And trying to figure out WHY hasn't been easy.

 

Even for someone as 'therapized" as I am,

reflection and self examination don't always produce insight.

 

But, while I won't pretend to have cornered the market on "the truth",

it feels like I've actually come into a deeper understanding recently

and that's been helpful. 

 

I'm sharing it here because I suspect I'm not alone.

 

As I've struggled  and cried through words, concepts, fleeting thoughts 

and had glimmers of WTH was going on,

as I disjointedly shared all of that with friends, 

I was amazed to find that many of them were right there too;

or at least on an adjacent, parallel path. 

 

So, as I've come to understand it, 

(as a distillation of MANY conversations 

and hours of introspection), 

 I've been struggling with 4 main things:

 

1) being relegated to being "extended family" to my  adult sons 

after DECADES of being "immediate family".

 

2) The sense of living without purpose - 

after decades of being 'called' to an occupation/ministry 

that demanded every ounce of energy, conviction and time 

I was willing/able to give

and knowing every day that I was making a difference

in peoples lives. 

Honestly, now my daily life doesn't matter to anyone -

sometimes even to me. 

 

3) Realizing that my tax dollars  - 

and, by extension, therefore,  ME, -

are going to support the very issues

I spent my entire adult life trying to combat -

abuse, intentional neglect and injury to human beings 

who are powerless and vulnerable.

 

That cognitive dissonance feels untenable;

it feels like my government has become an avatar of everything I'm against.

AND, its being done in MY name

with MY resources. 

 

Which leads to 4. 

 4) Deep soul grieving (still) for the loss of a country I loved

and fighting FOR the country I want my grandchildren to inherit 

while simultaneously fighting AGAINST the same country

in the version of what it's become. 

 

All of it feels personal and individually specific

while at the same time universal 

to anyone with adult children, 

anyone who is struggling with 'retirement' adjustment

and anyone trying to follow current political affairs 

without having your entire soul crushed. 

 

And, for the love of God,

you'd think being retired for YEARS now, 

I'd have a better handle on some of it ...

but, no; apparently not.

 

Honestly, I think I was so physically exhausted

and focused on COVID 

when I retired (for the second, and final, time)

that I moved unthinkingly 

through several years

in a fog. 

Please don't misunderstand me. 

(about #1) 

I'm delighted my adult sons have full lives 

including other people who adore them and will love them

long after I'm gone.

You can never be loved too much.

 

But its a HUGE change to have had them be 

at THE center of my life as a single mom

to being at the periphery of their lives now.

 

Do I know they love me? Yes.

Do I have a place in their lives? Also yes.

Am I grateful for that. You bet.

 

But change is hard -

at least for me.

 OH ...

and another cognitive dissonance I suspect we're all struggling with...

 

I HATE AI -

the factories that will consume our natural resources,

the destruction of community

the expense, the noise pollution,

the unthinkingness of it all ...

 

which is what makes all the pleasure we derive from seeing ourselves 

in our most idealized,

never realized a day in our lives selves

so confusing.

I swear its like they crawled into my brain 

and found the romance book version of who I'd always wanted to be.

I'll bet this chick never LONGED for a Snicker bar in her entire life.

She looks above it all, doesn't she?

Truth be told, 

she probably wouldn't even have been friends with me in high school .

 

At least flowers are real ... 

Well, most of them.

Hang in there.

Keep it real.