Anxiety and art

Anyone else deal with existential dread by making things?

 With all manner of court cases, their outcomes and repercussions hanging in the ether,

I've decided to lose myself in playing - 

with paper, paint and scissors -

oh, and I've added sculpty clay to my repertoire.

Nothing, on any front which will bring collectors flocking to my door -

but that's not why we engage in an art practice, right? 

Using the side of your brain NOT engaged in analytical thought

AND getting so lost in the process that you forget about the issues of the day

is reward enough.

 

The great thing about hearts is they're simple ...

and festive and pretty hard to screw up!

For me, while getting the sculpt right is hard enough,

it's the painting that can ruin the experience.

My arthritic hands and unsteady brushes 

are just NOT good for the quality or look I'd love to have.

That's why you practice, practice, practice...

like scales on the piano.

OR you move on to something easier, like cutting, gluing, pasting and painting

before coming back and trying again!

 

I'm in love with Sweet Pea!

 

The other alternative to running around with your hair on fire is to get off your ass

and DO something.

 

There was a recent launch event to get enough signatures on a petition 

which would allow a constitutional amendment to be placed on the state ballot in November,

essentially returning reproductive freedoms to women, 

in consultation with their physicians -

and away from the misogynistic legislators in Jeff City.

 

The turnout was fabulous, the speakers inspiring and, I have to say,

it was the most hopeful I've been in a long time.

I know it might seem crazy that this is such an important issue for me...

after all, I haven't had a uterus for 25 years!

But I refuse to pass on a world to my granddaughter 

in which she would have fewer rights than I had. 

The queen deserves better than that!
 

I never needed to have an abortion; 

but I DID have to have D&C's after 3 miscarriages;

procedures I might not have been able to obtain in the current climate 

of legislators deciding they know more about female anatomy and reproductive medicine

than the professionals and women in whom those uteruses are housed!

I'm going to a training next week - 

and will then be making the rounds to every event I can, 

clipboard, pen and sign up sheet in hand.

Gonna get this done!

Next week is also the start of Lent!!

Do you believe it?

You know what that means, right?

The models have arrived!

 

  

Is this month over yet?

 It isn't just me, right?

January feels like it's a season unto itself

and not just a month!

 

It isn't the cold; I can do cold;

in fact, I seem to seek it out; 

I've somehow established a tradition of going 'Up North"

to see family in WI -

with a stop in Chicago along the way.

To see girls growing into young women -

who clearly are more intent on TicToc and Insta 

than conversing with the old people! 

In other words, perfectly normal kids.

At least one of them was paying attention ...

There's something uncluttered about rural WI that acts as a palate cleanser for me -

especially after the over stimulation of Christmas.

Something about the starkness and quietness that calms and soothes me.

Once the subzero temperatures let up a bit, walking in the Land Trust was even do-able.

Birches, creeks and snow cover are always a good combination.

Yet even a palate cleanser can't remove one from the reality of what else the month held ...

political nonsense and performative idiocy -

which will be the topic on another day;

a hospitalization that has resolved itself

with minimal trauma and anticipated good results.

There has even been time - dare I say - necessary time 

for artistic expression (also self care) in the form of what I'm calling

"Interior Landscapes" -

which, as always, don't have to mean anything to anyone other than myself.

 

I was able to use paper from my stash of National Geographic pages, 

altered with Citrasolv

which I tore and glued to 3" wooden circles.

Don't ask me why; it just seemed like the thing to do!

 

Then there was this - sent to me by a friend.

Hahahahaha ...

my biggest fear!

Not a chance!

Dream state?

 I want to hang on to every minute and every feeling associated with the dream - 

yet I know I won't.

 

I woke up wondering if I had died; 

curious if I was 'coming back' to my current reality 

or if I would be allowed to continue in the wonderful state I had just experienced.

 

The closest description I can come to is that 

I remembered what it was to not be embodied; 

to be part mist, part dust of the air, 

to have a full understanding and sense of me and who I was 

and yet be in a form that required absolutely no effort of movement 

or expenditure of energy; 

just being, 

while traveling through time and space on a molecular level; 

a part of everything that exists and that I saw, 

passing through everything and knowing a oneness with it all. 

The colors and landscapes with intensity on another level.

 

It felt like a state that existed for hours; 

gorgeous pain free and existence bending hours; 

it wasn't until I came back into my body and noticed the heaviness and pain in my legs 

that I realized I was leaving one state and entering a physical one once again. 

 

It was both heartbreaking and hopeful. 

I wondered if I had had a near death experience in my sleep .

.. and found myself wishing that that was indeed what dying would be like.

 

All I can say is that if you ever hear I've died in my sleep... 

be happy for me.

If it's anything like this, it was glorious.

New Year; new start - again

         Christmas has been packed away;

a strep infection laid me low,

days have been grey and dreary;

so, when the sun peaked out

on the same day that I finished my medication,

I took the first opportunity to go for a short drive to hear trickling water 

and walk around on some trails in stillness and peace. 

I was the only one in the park -

and it was heavenly.

Here's to more days like this!

Ghosts of Christmas pasts

 My sons father was born on Christmas Eve.

He died just a few months before his 40th birthday.

He had one brother, older by 6 years.

Recently, new 'old' slides were found and passed along to me for our sons.

Having parented two boys, also six years apart, 

there was such a universality and poignancy to these images;

they really moved me.

I also have found my own old photos of our earlier life together, 

when our oldest son was still a toddler.

A guitar playing fireman, to be exact.

No matter how well life is going,

how content I am in relationships in the here and now,

memories from days gone by are never far away at this time of year.

Am I the only one?

I even found a picture from our first Christmas together (1967).

Anyone else remember getting what would now be considered "really dressed up" for church 

and Christmas Eve celebrations?

 

1/3/24:

Actually, I stand corrected.

This picture was from 1968 -

Tom's 21st birthday.

We had gotten engaged 2 months earlier on my 19th birthday -

I know, I know ... different times; different expectations.

We were in New Jersey at my parents house for a few days

before returning to the Midwest - and our 'real lives'.

Funny to realize that my 'long hair' actually has historical precedence!

Meanwhile, Christmas 'present' is keeping me fairly busy.

Not gonna lie, 

I think my grands captured perfectly the ambivalence of the season!

Also have to admit that I'm LOVING the curls showing up in the little ones hair!

I know these are the quintessential grandma gifts, 

but I can't resist a good personalized ornament!

Since none of us can predict what Christmas 'future' holds, 

soak up all the joy and happiness you can now!

This one always cracks me up -

he's seen some things ...

and he's not saying anything about it!