Seeing outside the box

I LOVE the idea of having an aquarium;

even if I hadn't seen 

and been fascinated by "The Shape of Water",

there's something so beautiful and 'fluid' about watching creatures move

in the sea or a reasonable facsimile.

But, hand to God, 

I don't want to take on ANY responsibility 

for one more living thing.

Looking around the house over the weekend,

it occurred to me I already had many of the basics I needed.

 No movement -

but plenty to smile about 

and, at my age,

that's a worthy trade off.

It works for me.

A heady mix, indeed

Youthful exuberance

The passion of a ‘just cause’

A growing understanding that life isn’t fair 

Increasing Rage because it should be

First - or second hand – trauma

The whole gestalt of news and print media fixated on their every word.

I can only hope the teenagers in FLA are also surrounded

by grounded adults 

who will help them through their grief,

and comfort them 

when the enormity of the obstacles they’re up against starts to dawn.

It simply doesn’t take one week of protests
to change decades of policy;

even what feels like a tipping point
can be swung back 

with the other heady mix

of money, power and tradition.

Attention by the press doesn’t make you an activist;

it may be a start;

but it takes years of showing up to vote 

in every election,

decades of life choices about vocation, 

how to spend your money,

what you value and honor with your time,

the people with whom you surround yourself etc.

Not only the intrinsic sadness of the situation 

but recognition of the monolith
 that keeps us imprisoned 

in a death loving culture

has been exhausting to witness this week

I am SO far removed from their innocence and passion…

living proof today that life can wear you down.

My heart aches.

In uncertain times

* hold tight to those you love!

(Luckily, its time for another sleepover at Nanny's)

* and travel!

 

I just made plans to go to Santa Fe next month,

see my oldest son 

and try to get a sense of his new life.

I must say he's giving me plenty of chances 

to see different parts of the country! 

(The extra grey hair is all a bonus, right?)

I've gotten a succulent garden started to acknowledge this new chapter for him.

Frankly, I give it 4 months before I kill it with over watering -

but hope springs eternal.

 In uncertain times -

 *Always keep hoping!

There's so much I don't know

  For instance:

 how a provision for a “well-regulated militia”

 in a 200+ yr old document 

gets so distorted by current legislators 

that any crazed, delusional disenfranchised male 

with money and a chip on his shoulder 

gets to buy a weapon 

created for one purpose only – 

killing the largest amount of people in the shortest amount of time – 

and how, without any apparent qualms, 

he feels free to use it. 

How someone can be so devoid of a connection to his own humanity 

that he’s able to divorce himself from the humanity of others.

How a person can be so untethered from society at large 

that he’s willing to kill in order to have someone pay attention to him. 

 The headlines this morning proclaim that authorities are looking for the motives 

behind the massacre at the high school in FLA.

My response is WHY? 

 Will his reasoning make the deaths of 17 children less painful for their families? 

Will his use or over use of video games, 

preoccupation with guns, 

undiagnosed/delayed grief from the deaths of his adoptive parents - 

and the deeper loss of being relinquished for adoption by his birth family - 

allow any one of the people now in a morgue

to take a lungful of air again? 

There is not one scintilla of knowledge we can gain from this incident 

which will prevent us from experiencing an all too similar event 

in the days or weeks to come.

The irony that this killing spree happened on 

Valentines Day AND Ash Wednesday 

is almost too much to bear.

As if any of us needed more of a reminder that

love is a fleeting concept 

and

"we are dust and to dust shall we return"

We've always lived in a broken world

and maybe its just me,

but it feels as though we're on some inexorable slide 

toward darkness and destruction

on an almost Biblical scale.

 I don’t know much 

but I DO know 

we were not created to live like this.

We all have to die, 

but we don’t have to die like this. 

I don't know what else to say.

There's so much I don't know.

In the deep midwinter

Sylvia Plath once wrote of feeling like the dull, still 'eye' of the tornado, 

surrounded on all sides by turmoil and chaos.

I can relate.

(well, substitute political shitshow for tornado

 and the metaphor is apt.)

It's winter and, if not built for outright hibernation,

my body and soul are at least built for stillness,

for quiet reflection,

for time hunkered down by a fire,

thinking deep thoughts.

Trying to carve out space for that

while the 24/7/365 national nightmare 

plays itself out on our very airwaves

is challenging, to say the least.

But I'm here.

 Still being provided with opportunities to learn more about how to parent adult children;

still wondering when it will get easier;

still being reminded that there's work to be done for those without a voice

and acknowledging that MY time to be that voice is limited.

My energies are scattered,

dabbling in housework, cleaning, laundry, 

reading, playing with my camera

and painting.

everything -

and nothing of significance.

Oddly, it all feels like a form of healing -

and I can certainly use more of that.

A friends image of the blood moon on the reservation moved me to tears this week -

it feels like looking at the worlds veins.

It reminded me of a prayer by Jan Richardson

For all things rising

out of the hiddenness of shadows

out of the weight of despair

out of the constrictions of compliance

out of the rigidity of stereotypes

out of the prison of prejudice;

for all things rising

into life, into hope

into healing, into power

into freedom, into justice;

we pray, O God,

for all things rising.

It's winter

and not time for the rising yet.

But there's hope it will come.