Sunday, May 10, 2015

Let me be clear;

today is a hard day.

I know I'm not alone in this
and I know that's supposed to make me feel better,
the whole misery loves company thing,
but, in truth,
it doesn't.

Mothers Day.

Don't get wrong;
I love my two boys.
They are probably the best contributions I've made,
or ever will make,
 to the world
writ large.

But on this day
when every Facebook post features images,
both current and long past, 
of loving mothers and their adoring children,
accompanied by stories
of how their moms are their best friends,
I have this painful awareness that this is not,
and never will be, 
something I'll experience.

Today, that knowledge feels like loss.

I have loving memories of my mom
-a few -
and I know in my heart she tried hard 
to do the best she could.
But her way of loving me
didn't come close 
to being my way
of needing to be loved.

There was a chasmic disconnect under the surface
that was always present
yet never acknowledged.

As a kid,
I thought it was all because of me;
that there was something lacking in who I was;

something 'less than'
my 'perfect' older sister
and my 'cuter than' baby brother
which made me unloveable.

(The curse of the middle child!)

I know better now.
Thanks to the literally hundreds of women,
of all ages,
throughout my life
who have
and prayed
to wholeness
and acceptance.
(Not to mention
the literally thousands of dollars 
spent in therapy 
toward the same end!)

The truth is,
my mother was broken in ways beyond my understanding,
with a lifetime of her own needs that went unmet,
and unexplored.

She paid a high price for who and what she was;
fractured relationships with all her family
and few friends to her name.

As her own mother said of her once,
"No one is useless, 
she can always serve as a bad example."

Trust me when I tell you
Hallmark does NOT make a card
with that sentiment on it.

Nor is there one that says
"Happy Mothers Day.
I wish things could have been different".

But I do.

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