Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Where I am now

I’d say it doesn’t happen often
but you, and I, know the truth of it.

I ask God,
or the Universe,
some existential question and, 
with time and prayer,
 the answer comes pouring in –
like water through the foundation of my house 
into the basement.

I’m not sure how, 
from where or when it seeps in;
I just know it does!

At least I was paying attention 
and noticed it -
before the answer 
dried up,
NOT like the water in my basement!

My question
how hard is 'Call' supposed to be?
came from a place deep inside; 
a place where I realized  that my ego, 
and my abilities,
aren’t consumed by this new job 
as much as they were 
in a previous stage of my career;
a place where the new talents, skills and lessons
don’t yet feel routine
or come easily, 
as if second nature.

It’s not been work
 as I’ve known it.

This work also hasn’t been drenched in adrenaline.
I’m still learning to work without the chemical stew.
The rush,
constant anxiety,
heart palpitations
and hypervigilance
is all, delightfully, 

When comparing the two situations,
it’s felt like I'm offering my current work ‘crumbs’.

(And yes, 
I’ve cautioned myself about the dangers of comparison
literally hundreds of times;
It’s probably why I tune myself out 
and end up doing it anyway! )

As luck,
or fate,
would have it,
the Gospel last weekend in church 
was about the feeding of the 5000 – 
with a few loaves and fishes;
it was about a miracle.

Among the words I heard or read about that lesson was this gem …

We can devote ourselves to striving after success (as we define it),
or we can notice the 'least likely to succeed' parts of ourselves—
What? All you have is one little boy with a few loaves and fish?
—and imagine them new.

Our child heart is open; 
it offers what it has, 
saying not a word about what it has not.
 What good will come from such a small offering? 
Yet ages since, we still ponder the outcome: 
“Gather up the fragments left over,” Jesus says, “so that nothing may be lost.” 

If we fall under the trance of 'success', 
we risk overlooking the power of crumbs. 

What is left over when we have nothing more to give, is enough. 
Immense potential lives among the fragments.

I love that hope;
if true, 
it would indeed be a miracle. 
So that’s where the beginning of this week finds me …
offering what I think are my  crumbs;
trusting that while this is 
a different phase of my life,
nothing is lost;

trusting that there is still immense potential 
among the fragments that remain.

I’m going to live as if it’s true.

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