Harsh

She was crying as she relayed the details of the autopsy... 

a veteran Medical Examiner of 3 decades.

The same details made me throw up.

Suffice it to say, 

we both prayed the baby was dead
from strangulation 

before the rest of the abuse 

happened.

When work gives you harsh, 

the only antidote I know 

is to look for 

softness 

and 

beauty.

Thanks be to God,

I was able to find some.

No they don't...

50 Shades of Grey -

and not the fun kind - 

just a typical midwinter day in the the Midwest!

But there's a solution...

whether inside the box...

or out.

Make your own color!

Potpourri

If reports are to be believed, Lance Armstrong was tearful – which isn’t the same thing as honest.

I mean, come on… the guy lied under oath multiple times.
Does anyone really think he's going to spill his guts and admit culpability to Oprah?
Especially since, if he did, he’d open himself up to numerous perjury charges.
Hopefully all his money bought him better legal representation than that!
We'll see... well, you may; I'll be working.
~~~~~~~~~~

Jodi Foster – love her – and I get what she meant about wanting to keep her private life private.

And, while I don't care one iota about her sexuality, how or with whom that gets actualized, what doesn’t she (and every other celebrity who bitches about ‘the public’ being intrusive) get about the phrase - PUBLIC figure?

No one is twisting their arms to make movies.
No one is forcing them to take the money of ‘the public’ so they can get enormous salaries and live their opulent, far from ordinary lives.
If you're looking for invisibility, become a social worker, plumber, teacher, construction worker or one of the thousand other career choices where no one cares who you are!

Acting is a choice…it feels hypocritical to be appalled that the same folks you hope will be curious enough about your latest 'project' to open their wallets and shell out money to see it may actually be curious about who you are behind all the make up and glitz.
just sayin'
~~~~~~~~~~

The NRA predicts that all efforts at gun control will fail.
(Big surprise – because they’re obviously genuinely worried about all those law abiding hunters who need 40 rounds to bring down a deer!
PS - if they do, that's not hunting, that's blood lust!)

Here’s MY plan -
if everyone of us who oppose the policies of the NRA (and the nonsense they stand for) would JOIN the NRA – we’d have enough votes to take over – and force change - from the inside!
We’d have a majority of the vote.

Infiltration - - that’s the key!
 If you can’t beat ‘em – join ‘em  - and then change ‘em!
 I think it’s worth a shot – pun intended.
~~~~~~~~~~
Gotta love a Trattoria where the chef signs the left over box!

and, yes, the seafood risotto was just as good the second time around!

The Great Love

Maya Angelou

Laugh as often as possible. 

You must.

 Because the world will offer you every reason to weep. 

So as often as possible, you laugh. 

That, I think, is part of the Great Love.

Going to try to remember that -
as I head back for another day,
another week!

Arrived yesterday - 

now headed to the mailboxes

of select family and friends...

I love this two year 'tradition' of sharing my year 

with the folks 
who make living the minutes of it

memorable!

"When we're infused with either enthusiasm 

or awe 

or fondness…

it changes what we see. 

It changes what we remember." 

Rob Legato

The Rest of Your Life

Adrienne Rich

Dear Adrienne:

I'm calling you up tonight

as I might call up a friend

as I might call up a ghost

to ask what you intend to do

with the rest of your life.

Sometimes you act

as if you have all the time there is.

I worry about you when I see this....

I hope you've got something in mind.

I hope you have some idea

about the rest of your life.

In sisterhood,

Adrienne

I get this poem...

but, honestly,

at my age,

I've lost the sense of urgency

to have it all figured 

and mapped out.

I'm content

(resigned?)

to take it 

as it comes.

Some days,

that's enough.

The grotto

Remember in 2009 when the image of the BVM (Blessed Virgin Mary, for those uninitiated in RC or Anglican doctrine; documented here) appeared on one of my deck lanterns?

Not unlike her sightings on grapes

and turtles.

During the last cold snap, I walked out on the deck and the lantern had completely collapsed - with all panes shattered - except one... and guess which one?
Yup - she's still here!!

Although I've brought her inside now and installed her in a bookcase.

Walking by at night and seeing the light is an odd source of comfort...

Come on... MY Mary visitation is at least as good as theirs, right??

(Although I'm aware there's something deeply disturbing about being competitive about things of the Spirit!)
Maybe that's why she's here - - I so obviously need help!!

If one of you decides to call the media, at least give me a heads up so I can clean!

It was the worst of times...

I know I've said if before, but I'll say it again...

I have a job that puts me in the position of dealing, on a daily basis, with people who look me directly in the eye and lie their asses off.
It comes as naturally, and easily, to them as breathing.

And, as I was up for hours last night stewing about it, I recognized anew that the toll it's taken on my soul and health have been significant.

Some forms of erosion can be beautiful.
The erosion of my faith in humanity and in the goodness of other people with whom I share the planet while subsequently raising my blood pressure to near stroke levels... not so much.

I spent my day yesterday dealing with a nest of liars.
What?  You didn’t know that was the official designation?
Well, sister, it is where I work!
Keep your murder of crows, your crash of rhinos, your pace of asses and your clutch of chicks… in our building, you can’t take a step without landing in a nest of venomous liars.

First in the ER –
parents who, when told they had to live outside a 50 mile radius to qualify for ‘meal tickets’ (a coupon worth $5.00 in our cafeteria), hopped on their ‘smart phones’, googled mileage and then called Registration into the room (within 3 minutes of the end of our conversation) to change their address to a location 52 miles away!

Can I just say that is totally how I want to move next time …
telepathically – and without lifting a damn box or wrapping a single tchotchke in newspaper!

BTW – maybe if you stopped spending so much money on the latest cell phone, you’d have some change to buy food for the 3 hours your kid is in the ER… just sayin.

And then, up on the inpatient floors, an interminable process of trying to discharge a 6 mos old who had an unexplained arm injury – sustained while with her  ‘adoptive’ family… who initially said they knew nothing about her bio mother or her family… only, come to find out, they WERE her family – well, cousins - and they’d only had the baby for 2 days, not 6 months and they’d just spoken to mom before bringing the kid to the hospital!

A mom, BTW, who, when told by state child protection services to come pick the baby up, sent another female cousin in to masquerade as her because she didn’t want to take time off from fixing a friends hair!
The cousin-masquerading-as-mom gave moms correct birthdate (which would have made her 27 - and trust me, the lady sitting in front of me was no more 27 than I am) – but then she slipped and improvised, adding that the baby she was there to get was the youngest of her 11 children and her oldest was 19!

(Again, trust me, I’m no math wizard… that’s one of the reasons I went into Social work to begin with… but I have enough basic skills to know that would have made her first pregnancy when she was 8 - - and, while not impossible, also highly unlikely).

She wasn’t phased at all being confronted with her duplicity – and, when informed of the stunt, the state worker wasn’t concerned about the attempt at deception either.

At that point, I was so beaten down by dealing with all of them, I just wanted them the hell out of our building!

I have NEVER counted the days to retirement more than yesterday - - except for today!

Which is another story - -
which may or may not be true…

Hell, if you can’t lick ‘em – join ‘em!

It was the best of times...

 Dinner at Hacienda last night with my youngest...

That's Staff Sgt GI Joe, if you please!

Impossible to believe

in a few months

he'll be celebrating his

10th anniversary

in the military...

and he's halfway to retirement!

Looks like we'll be retiring at about the same time!

Only I will have put in nearly 40 years!

I was feeling old recently -

but rallied when a friend sent this to me.

Perks of being over 60

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. (Not for those of us raised in New Jersey!)
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list. (Sadly, too true!)

Some days, 

we laugh to keep from crying!

Tonight!

No doubt about it...

I'd be with my peeps' below stairs'!

I'm down with it!

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."

I can't speak to hoarded gold but my new copper pipes were installed this week...

SHHHH!

I hear this stuff is valuable.

I'm sitting on a gold mine!

For song - check out hometown group, Pokey Lafarge and the South City Three!

Come on, how can you not love a group with the courage to name themselves THAT??!
I saw them play a few years ago at Tower Grove Farmers Market - never knew they'd be so big; sadly, more so overseas in Europe than here, but hey, success is success!
Funky, retro, eccentric throwbacks that are really taking off!

I love seeing their videos, all shot locally; many within blocks of where I lived in the city.

However you spend your weekend, my friends... enjoy all that makes life good!
And, if you want to get rid of some of that hoarded gold, feel free to send some MY way - -
those pipes weren't cheap!

Just sayin'.

Christmas takedown blues

 I HATE this time of year.

 When all symbols of fun and magic 

go back into hibernation...

glitter is hidden in basement bins,

and life returns to 'normal'.

To cheer ourselves up

 'the girls'

are going out tomorrow.

Clearly.

some of us are more excited

about the prospect

than others.

Nothing like starting the New Year

with a complete loss of dignity!

(Don't call the ASPCA; 

I promise no dogs were hurt 

taking these pictures!)

I must say, 

Oreo was a better sport than Pearl...

Trust me... 

she was the life of the party -

deadpan is her default expression!

Don't be lookin here for any resolutions!

Since I have more than a touch of ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), telling myself NOT to do something is a sure fire way of reinforcing the behavior.

Sometimes, visual reminders are far more important for me - and one spontaneously occurred the other day that is now printed and posted on the refrigerator.

It wasn't 'set-up' as motivation, art project or dietary aid...
just the lid I used, to cover the cheeseburger, to hold in the heat, to melt the cheese.
I took the lid off, with a strand remaining, ate a quick meal - went out and forgot about clean up until the next morning. (Yup, I'm one of THOSE people; don't judge. I'm just delighted not to add OCD to my list of alphabet disorders!)

It was while I was taking pictures and playing with my camera that it occurred to me - if this food substance was still UPRIGHT- like plastic - 10 hours after it was warm, what the hell was it doing in my arteries?

True, I keep my house cool (68 during the day and 62 @ night) but the cheese wasn't frozen in place!
(Anyone else remember that book from the 80's - Who moved my cheese? - well, the answer apparently is nothing and no one.)

All of which gets me back to resolutions and new beginnings...

Being overweight and unhealthy is hard. 

Losing weight and getting healthy is hard.

Pick your hard.

I gonna try to pick a different hard.

New Years Eve wish:

when darkness falls, 

we can curl up with fear 

or turn on more lights.

be brave.

love deeply.

shine brighter.

Gaudy, but good -

or should I say WICKED?

End of the year treat for GI Joe and fiancee - accompanying me to dinner (at our favorite Greek restaurant, Olympia)

 and a performance at the Fabulous Fox!
A theatre built at the same time - and with the same decorator apparently - as Radio City Music Hall, my grandmothers favorite venue in my youth.

Good food, 

time with family 

and 

supporting the performing arts - - 

what a terrific way 

to end the year!

The Layers

I have walked through many lives,

some of them my own,

and I am not who I was,

though some principles of being

abides, from which I struggle

not to stray.

When I look behind,

as I am compelled to look

before I can gather strength

to proceed on my journey,

I see the milestones dwindling

toward the horizon

and the slow fires trailing

from the abandoned camp-sites,

over which scavenger angels

wheel on heavy wings.

Oh, I have made myself a tribe

out of my true affections,

and my tribe is scattered!

How shall the heart be reconciled

to its feast of losses?

In a rising wind

the maniac dust of my friends,

those who fell along the way,

bitterly stings my face.

Yet I turn, I turn,

exulting somewhat

with my will intact to go

wherever I need to go,

and every stone on the road 

precious to me.

In my darkest night

when the moon was covered

and I roamed through wreckage,

a nimbus-clouded voice

directed me:

"Live in the layers"

and though I lack the art 

to decipher it,

no doubt the next chapter

in my book of transformations

is already written.

I am not done with my chapters.

Stanley Kunitz

Many thanks and much love 
to a friend who sent this wonderful poem 

to me 
which captures much 
of what 

I'm feeling 
at this years end.