Just sayin'

I’ve heard it once too often lately… 

and it’s not like I haven’t heard it before – 

LOTS of befores come to think of it. 

I can usually shake it off…

 just one more thing people say without thinking, 

without testing it out to see if there’s any validity to it at all.

Not today though;

today it pissed me off - 

and even if I didn’t respond in person – 

which would have been hard since it was in a post I read in another blog – 

I need to respond; 

to get my thoughts out of my head before it implodes. 

(And the reality is, come to think of it,

 I usually hear it from some of the most privileged women I know!) 

If one more person says (or writes) the equivalent of…

” I know what it’s like to be a single parent because… 

 "my husband travels internationally and is gone a lot" 

"Works too hard and is gone in the evening"

"Was never there to help out with the kids soccer schedules 

(or play dates or band rehearsals or doctors appointments" etc.)

 Or any variation 

of any of the above – 

and believe me the permutations are myriad – 

I’m not responsible for what I’ll do! 

Here’s the truth – 

from a single parents perspective –

No, you damn well don’t. 

If you’re in a committed relationship, 

the absence of your partner at convenient times 

still means you have a shoulder to cry on 

(or someone to rage at) 

about having to carry the responsibility 

‘all by yourself’ – 

single parents don’t. 

If you’re in a committed relationship 

and your partner is working too hard, 

that generally means there’s a paycheck 

to which you are entitled or granted access

as a result of that time away – 

single parents don’t have another paycheck behind them

no matter how many hours they work. 

If you’re actively co-parenting 

and ‘the other parent’ can’t be there for school events, 

your child still at least has one parent 

representing the support of his/her parental unit – 

single parents don’t have a representative as a fill in – 

if you’re not there, 

your kid has no one. 

If your child gets sick at school,

 or in the middle of the night, 

even if you’re the one who has to decide 

when to take them to the ED vs waiting for the doctor’s office to open up, 

to retrieve them from school or stay home with them, 

you’ve at least got someone to run those decisions and options by – 

single parents don’t. 

If, when you’re deathly ill yourself, 

your first panicky, fever induced thought isn’t 

that your poor kids will go into foster care if you die, 

then you have NO idea what it’s like to be a single parent. 

Only when you’re making ALL the decisions, 

ALL the money needed to keep ALL of you afloat, 

taking ALL the risks and consequences of those decisions, 

and providing ALL the support, 

with absolutely NO fall back 

or support for yourself 

can you possibly know what it’s like 

to be a single parent. 

And, while my sons and I are safely on the other side 

of many of those childhood issues, 

I still have nightmares and wake with cold sweats, 

remembering the weight of those days; 

it is NOT a place I would wish on anyone.

You have NO idea. 

Be grateful you don’t.