I’m still here…

breathing slowly into a paper bag; 

trying not to pass out from the realization 

that my life is changing in 2 weeks! 

How did 34 years go by so quickly? 

Seems like just yesterday – 

and not 10 months ago – 

that I was called to leave ’the known’ 

and head toward mystery? 

Perhaps the biggest surprise is that I did. 

I stepped out in blind faith
and moments of great confidence 

but there are still times 

when the structure of the life I’ve had 

for decades 

seems to be the only reality
I could possibly know. 

And yet… 

I’ve deliberately chosen to put myself to the test. 

The emerging reality is that, 

in 1 month, 

when I wake every morning, 

I’ll have no idea what’s around the next bend, 

where and what I’ll eat, 

where I’ll lay my head, 

who I’ll meet 

or what I’ll see. 

I’ve never had the opportunity for that to be my reality. 

Even on a trip to a new country or place, 

things have been scheduled, 

reserved and ’itinerized’. 

There’s been an attempt at controlling the chaos 

within the travel. 

Feels reckless and scary 

and liberating 

to give the unknown 

free reign. 

 And maybe that’s the point.

Its not just another day.

Its the one day that is given to you today... 

Its the only gift that you have right now. 

And the only appropriate response is gratefulness.

I was very grateful this weekend - 

for signs of new life

in unlikely places;

for reminders that 

I don't have to carry

the largest burdens by myself

that there will always be unexpected angels 

along the way

and that you're never too old to laugh
 and play.

Workshops about the Camino
and rehearsals for Mardi Gras consumed my weekend.

It was a wonderful mix of
old and new friends
and concentrating on new beginnings
and possibilities.

Hope yours was filled with events that made you smile as well,

Goldilocks

I'm not usually much of a diva...

this ones too hot, 

this ones too cold,

this ones too big, etc.

But that's exactly how I've felt about my backpack.

I took the first one back because I overbought -

there was no way I needed 65L - 

especially not one

that weighed almost 6 lbs 

in and of itself!

The second one just didn't feel right either;

it hit my neck in the wrong place,

restricting my neck flexibility;

it also felt like I was carrying all the weight in my shoulders,

not my hips.

So back it went -

with profuse apologies

for being so high maintenance.

Truth be told however,

I was proud of myself for not 'settling';

for saying "this isn't right".

It's easier to do that, isn't it?

To make do,

to pretend its OK; 

to say you'll get used to the things you don't like.

But I didn't.

I tried again -

and got someone who wasn't willing to settle either.

And then somehow, 

you just know...

Numero Tres -

ding ding ding, 

we have a winner!

I'm SO sure this time

that I even took the tags off!

I can start training in earnest now!

The Honeymooners

It's been 3 months since the wedding.

The newlyweds are great,

settling in to their new lives - 

the perfect time for wedding pictures to arrive!

There are SO many I love -

but I'll limit myself 

to these favorites!

All the world's a stage -

and we're ON IT!

The whole tribe

The cousins

Yup,

we're huggers.

and the newlyweds

at iconic St Louis venues...

the floodwalls

Lafayette Square Park

and my favorite soda building!

It seems so long ago!

That's why pictures are so important...

it brings it all back!

What a great time!

It keeps going...

whether we're ready or not!

Busy getting things wrapped up at work

and home; 

preoccupied with details of the pilgrimage

to the point of nearly excluding all else!

May be posting more often on

www.caminoafter60.blogspot.com

than here 

as I get ready for the adventure of a lifetime!

Trust me, I mean it

"Wherever I am, the world comes after me.

It offers me its busyness. It does not believe

that I do not want it. Now I understand

why the old poets of China went so far and high

into the mountains, then crept into the pale mist."

Mary Oliver

I thought the wind up to retirement would be slower;

offering more time for reflection;

giving me more time alone; 

to begin the slower pace which I envisioned

would comprise my days.

I was delusional - 

maybe if I truly wanted that 

I shouldn't have planned a massive journey

would would take me away from home for weeks,

which means getting the rest of my life in order 

to be handed over to others!

Still living and learning!

As if you needed a reminder

about what day it is!

LOVE - 

 even if you've lost before...

But feel free

to keep it real!

Messages from the Universe

AM:

Its one of the reasons why I’ve stayed in pediatrics 

for so long –

so many of the kids I work 

with have delightfully few filters.

While you might have to interact with them for a while 

to build rapport and let them see you are, in fact, 

someone who’s genuinely interested in what they have to say, 

once they know they have a receptive ear 

and an open heart – 

all bets are off.

She was 6.

We had been talking about the details 

of her sexual assault 

by someone at her school.

She didn’t know his name 

but he was an adult she saw every day.

When she was asked to describe him, 

she looked me in the eye and said 

“He’s old, like you and he has white hair, like you”.

She paused, clearly picturing him in her mind. 

I asked, anything else you can tell me?

She said “yeah, he’s light skinned like you 

and he has a white beard”…

and, hand to God, 

if she had said ‘like you’, 

I’m not sure I wouldn’t have pushed her off her chair!

I know, I know;

even thinking that 

shows how much this sister 

needs to retire!

PM

My dogs escaped from the yard 

in the midst of yet one more snow storm 

while I was shoveling the driveway.

I drove all over town, 

risking life and limb on unplowed streets, 

calling for them, 

telling anyone who was out shoveling 

or walking by in the winter splendor 

about the escapees.

One came home on her own – 

the oldest, fastest and (truth be told) the brightest.

A knock on my door, 

2 hours later, 

told me the youngest was ‘corralled 

in a Good Samaritans yard one block over.

I got back in the car 

and went to rescue my panting 

but totally unrepentant puppy 

who was delighted to see me 

and eager to get home.

But as I put her collar on
and stood on her rescuers steps, 

chatting and profusely thanking them 

for taking the time to get her safely restrained,

she decided she’d had enough outdoors adventure.

She made a beeline for the car – 

so warm, inviting and so close – 

and, as she did, 

I was jerked backward off the steps 

and, due to the velocity of her pull and my momentum, 

went ass over elbow, 

doing a backward somersault 

and, surprisingly landing on my two feet.

I can’t say I ‘stuck’ the landing, 

in Olympic parlance, 

but there was only a tiny bobble.

With shocked looks on their faces, 

the Good Samaritan and his wife rushed to my side,
no doubt

ruing the day they took in this damn dog

and the wife blurted out, 

“OMG, are you OK?; that was pretty impressive. 

You’re pretty agile for an old lady” 

OK – I get it; 

I’m not as young as I used to be!

I love honesty – 

but I love it even more 

when all the reality checks in a day 

aren’t about me!

thinking outside the box

I was younger then;

i thought i knew the form 

and the look of love;

the definition of its gifts,

the look, the taste, the smell of them.

age has changed that,

as it changed so many things.

its the blessing and the curse 

that comes with the living.

Someone I loved once gave me 

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this too

was a gift.

Mary Oliver

Exactly right.

Brilliant!

I have an idea...

every attorney that sends his client into the Emergency room - 

"to just document their concern" 

in the latest round of ongoing custody battles 

with their spouse or soon to be ex-spouse - 

has to pay all medical costs 

from his/her retainer.

It will also be HIS/HER child

sitting and waiting for medical attention

for a bonafide disease

while ED staff 

wastes their time 

dealing with this nonsense.

Or better yet...

After the day I've had,
either option works for me!

“it is a serious thing / just to be alive / on this fresh morning / in this broken world.” ― 

Mary Oliver

And it can break your heart to be aware of just how broken it is…

Deaths out of time –

well, out of what our senses tell us should be the ‘right’ time –

are never easy for me to comprehend.

Whether its someone blessed with talent and gifts

in roughly the same measure
as demons and doubts

or the teenager in the ED this morning,

recently released from ‘Juvy’,

yet still imprisoned 

by overwhelming grief, loss
and the absence of hope.

A man-child who believed 

only oblivion and permanent darkness 

could provide the release from a life 

that seemed to hold nothing 

but more despair.

I don’t understand where resilience resides

or why it’s not allotted

in equal proportions to all.

Some days, 

standing silent witness to the fallen, 

shaking my head
in disbelief and sadness 

about what the world loses
on a daily basis 

is exhausting.

Yes,

today was one of those days.

Early February

I couldn't bring myself to put away the 'twinkle' lights;

but I also didn't want a 'wintery' look.

I'm sick of winter this year!

So I took antique Xmas light reflectors,

which surprisingly are shaped like flowers and stars,

and turned the lights into harbingers of spring.

Even the silver ones are eye catching.

 And I threw some antique Valentines

around the room

to add another touch of spring!

All in all,

a fairly productive morning.

Obviously, 

not everyone was impressed!

Selective deafness

You know all those recent posts about all the things I’m going to miss when I retire 

and how sad I am to contemplate leaving behind 

so many funny, dedicated, compassionate people?

Yeah… well yesterday was one of those days 

that I was reminded of SO many things 

I will not miss!

Reasons 189-193 WICWTR

(Why I can’t wait to retire)

*Incompetent Children’s Division workers 

who try to cover their mistakes in protecting kids 

by attempting to throw “the big bad hospital Social worker” 

under the bus.

*Being the point person for a team decision

 and having to inform a mother 

she wouldn’t be taking her baby home with her.

*Being the target 

for all her anger, pain and fury 

associated with that decision.

*Lack of support, 

even hostility, 

from a department leader 

about not being immediately available 

for a case in the ED 

because I was defusing the situation 

on the inpatient floor.

*Not getting a bathroom break 

or eating lunch 

until almost 4pm 

because putting out 

back to back fires 

is SOOO damn time consuming.

True, I only got through the day because of all 

the funny, dedicated, compassionate people 

I was surrounded by – 

but, on any given day, 

the drama and turmoil 

associated with my working life

drowns out their voices 

until all I hear 

is the chaos.


It will be a blessing to become deaf to all of that.

Happy February