Monday, July 14, 2014

Here's the thing...

I'm still adjusting to being back from the Camino.

I know it's been almost two months
but there's not a day when it isn't part of some conversation;
when I don't think of 
some experience,
some event,
some person
or some lesson I learned 
while walking across Spain.
I've come to accept that this will always be the case.
A transformative experience will do that to a person.

It's not that I'm not glad to be back.
I'm glad I'm not walking 12- 20 miles a day.
I'm glad I'm not carrying an 18 lb backpack for 5-7 hours a day.
I'm glad to be sleeping in my own bed.
I'm glad to be seeing friends and catching up with family.

I'm delighted to be home,
 puttering in the garden 
or driving across multiple states 
to see even more friends and extended family.

There's a quality to all of it - 
especially the pace of my days -
 that feels like a prolonged recovery; 
like I'm in a halfway house 
after being treated for a long standing adrenaline addiction.

I'm more careful about my associations.
I don't immerse myself in politics or mass media - 
which have hair triggers that would challenge anyone;
I don't hang with many of the same people I did before;
I'm careful about what I eat, where I go, what I spend 
how all of my choices will feel with my soul.

to some of you,
it feels like the 'old me' is gone -
the snarky, sarcastic, quick with a quip me -
please be happy for me.

There was so much anger and pain behind that humor.

I'm still funny, 
I still love to laugh
but I have better, kinder filters.

What I don't have is the need to write here as often.

The internal process that was started on the Camino continues
and 'mulling' is being done - 
either with a select few friends 
or in silence.

I'm enjoying life tremendously
while I might not have a definite idea
about what the next phase of my life will look like,
I'm getting some clues.
It takes effort and intention
to reshape a life.

Most of all,
it takes patience - 
and we all know what a stretch that is for me.

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