Thursday, October 2, 2014

SOOO true!

Did you see this list?
Don't know whether to laugh or cry with the truth it contains!

NOT that I consider myself 'middle aged'. 
I get it; I'm old.
I've told y'all before I have neither the money 
nor the intention 
to live to be 110!

But I know many of my peers will recognize the truths found in this list - 
here are some of my favorites!
(With my editorial comments and observations added when necessary)

"Sixty is the new 40."

It's a common aphorism we've heard for some time now, 
doubtless meant to calm us baby boomers who are growing so long in the tooth 
that we now need two hands to hold our toothbrushes.  
(IF our teeth are even still in our mouths and not in a glass!)

And reassuring it indeed is.

There's just one problem: it's a crock. 
Sixty is not the new 40. 
Here are some reasons why:
1. Somebody who is 60 remembers Betty White when she was middle-aged.
To somebody who is 40, Betty White has always been 90.
2. Somebody who is 40 was born in 1972.
You don't even remember 1972, not only because you were smoking dope most of the time but also because you don't remember 2013. (So many people who are 40 are now smoking dope on a regular basis - legally - that they won't remember 2013 either!)
3. Somebody who is 40 did not grow up longing to be the fourth Cartwright brother on Bonanza.
4. Somebody who is 40 would never use the phrase "he looks like Walter Brennan" to describe someone perceived to be old-looking.
5. Somebody who is 60 thinks Coldplay refers to the last time he tried to put the moves on a woman. (Someone who is 40 never 'put the moves on a woman' !)
6. Somebody who is 60 thinks of John F. Kennedy as part of "the modern era."
To somebody who is 40, John F. Kennedy is as much a part of "the modern era" as somebody who is 60.
7. Somebody who is 60 remembers the 1950s.
To somebody who is 40, the '50s refers only to the next decade of their lives, which they are dreading.
8. Somebody who is 40 does not watch the Hallmark Channel. Ever.
9. At 60, you take comfort in the fact that you are not old because you never liked Lawrence Welk. Somebody who is 40 thinks you are old because you liked Led Zeppelin.

10. Unlike somebody who is 40, somebody who is 60 does not think Winky Dink is just another cutesy name for you know what! (Someone who is 40 would never feel the need to use the euphemism 'you know what'; we'd hear all about their body parts in graphic detail!)
11. Somebody who is 60 has black and white memories. (Of segregated life, as well as TV)
12. Somebody who is 40 thinks of Peggy Lipton as an obscure old-time TV actress who is the mother of actress Rashida Jones, not as the hot unobtainable chick sandwiched in between the two no-talented lummoxes on 'The Mod Squad'. (People who are 40 don't even know what lummoxes are!)
13. Somebody who is 40 may well think Buffalo Bob is a talking buffalo. (You mean he wasn't?)
14. Somebody who is 40 does not think it is hilarious when you shout out "I want my Maypo!"
(Neither do most of us who are 60 - but at least we know what it means!)
15. When somebody who is 40 runs into an old friend, he never hears the word "Grandkids?"
(Only someone who is a sheltered 60 thinks this is not true - many of my former clients were grandparents by their mid 30's!)
16. Somebody who is 60 remembers a time when Rob and Laura Petrie were not allowed to sleep in the same bed on The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Somebody who is 40 does not bat an eyelash at a naked Steve Buscemi having sex on Boardwalk Empire. (And no one, of any age, wants to see THAT!)
17. You find yourself beginning to use the expression "a young fella."
At least one of the times you have used the expression "a young fella," you were referring to somebody who is 40.
18. Somebody who is 40 does not remember President Nixon. 
19. Somebody who is 40 thinks Cher has always been a solo act.
20. Somebody who is 60 remembers when Bob Hope was considered 'hip'.
21. Somebody who is 40 does not remember Topo Gigio.
22. If somebody who is 60 were to hear the words "remember how we used to get out the chains come winter time?" he or she would not think a tale of seasonal kinky sex was about to follow.
23. Somebody who is 40 is a lot less likely to be upset than somebody who is 60 that Dustin Hoffman, Richard Dreyfus, and Henry Winkler are all playing Jewish grandfathers. (S0meone who is 40 would not think they're still hot!)
24. Somebody who is 40 does not know or care what Serutan spelled backwards is.
25. Somebody who is 40 does not spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about whether he is more like Beau Bridges than Jeff Bridges.
26. Check out the response you get when you sing Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh by Allan Sherman to somebody who is 40.
27. Billy Crystal was somebody who was 40 when he made When Harry Met Sally. If Harry were to meet Sally today, the closest he'd get to an orgasm with her would be hearing her fake one in a deli.
28. Do you think somebody who is 40 would ever believe there was once a comedian whose entire act was pretending to be drunk? (RU kidding - most of the comedians today are totally stoned - and its not an act!)
29. "There's a hold-up in the Bronx, Brooklyn's broken out in fights, there's a traffic jam in Harlem that's backed up to Jackson Heights, there's a scout troop short a child, Khrushchev's due at Idlewild, Car 54, where are you?" I highly doubt somebody who is 40 could place that one for you.
30. Somebody who is 60 remembers when the expression "sucks" sounded downright dirty, and probably was.

31. Somebody who is 40 would have no way of knowing that Kukla, Fran, and Ollie is not a law firm.
32. Somebody who is 40 would have no way of knowing that if Kukla, Fran, and Ollie were a law firm, which two of the partners were the puppets?

33. Unlike somebody who is 60, somebody who is 40 is not still trying to figure out how the lyric You've got a friend in Jesus ever popped up in a song by a guy named Norman Greenbaum.
34. Being that Carol Channing is a woman and Tatum O'Neal is a woman, somebody who is 60 in all likelihood thinks Channing Tatum is a woman.
35. Somebody who is 60 remembers a time when Charlton Heston was considered a distinguished actor.
36. You've never taken a selfie, and you still don't know what twerking is.
37. Somebody who is 40 thinks 40 is really old, just as you did once.
Now you realize how wrong you were and how wrong they are.
They don't.

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