Need we say more?

My formula for living is quite simple.
I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night.
In between, I occupy myself as best I can. ~
Cary Grant

A formula that works as well as any other - and perhaps better than most.

With that in mind, kiddo, let me make one thing clear:

it doesn't particularly matter, to me, what lies you spew.

We get paid whether you tell the truth or not.

Truth is - you're our very own personal reality show.

We'll write it down - and try not to laugh as we do - but, before the police get here and have you go through the same drill, you might want to think about tweaking your stories.

Here's what they won't believe - 'cause we didn't either!
(A sampling from the past weeks cases)

* that your boyfriend, the registered sex offender (and yeah, we totally believe that was all a mistake and he was 'unjustly charged') had a seizure while holding your not quite 1 week old baby and he dropped her onto a carpeted floor... and THAT'S why she has multiple skull fractures, bleeds in her head and is in the process of dying.

Good thing you saved the receipt from Burger King and can prove you weren't in the trailer.
I get that 'cabin fever' - after 5 days of being a mother - (when you didn't even know you were pregnant to begin with) made you want to 'dine out'! (BTW: not everybody saves fast food receipts - at least not people who don't need to establish an alibi!)

PS... you might want to work up a tear or two to make the story more believable.
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* we are right there with ya, sistah; don't you hate it when your child gets an ingestion of cocaine - and you don't even KNOW anyone who does drugs?

And, of course, it's perfectly normal to take your toddler at 1AM, go for a drive 2 blocks over and park in front of an abandoned house "to enjoy the weather" for 2 hours.

I've seen the zone maps of the USA -and you're right ...the weather over on that block is definitely preferable to the climate on YOUR street!

I'm sure the cop who found you passed out in the front seat and the baby not breathing in the back seat completely misread the situation... it was an urban camp-out!

I hear those are really big this year!

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*I agree; I understand you're upset "because 'Jane Doe' isn't a very trendy name", but that's really not the primary issue here; let's try to stay focused.

Your darling daughter was given that name because the 'crack ho' you left her with in the motel was so bombed off her ass, she didn't know your name, your babys' name or her own name, for that matter.

When one of her drunken 'johns' called 911 to complain she "didn't give good enough head and he wanted his money back or he'd beat her bloody", police responding to the scene couldn't find an unimpaired/responsible adult, noticed how skinny your girl was - which only made the loop marks stand out more - and they brought her to the ER with no idea who she belonged to.

On a side note: your baby also gave a decidedly urban rendition of 'the Princess story'... we were reading Cinderella and, when she saw a picture of the stepmother pointing at the floor, telling Cinderella to clean, your baby said "She's mad; she's telling her to sit the fuck down or she'll beat her ass".

Not sure that's what Walt Disney had in mind, but it's fit for the Brothers Grimm.

Can't get an existence more Grimm than that!

PS...no, you don't get 'extra points' that you remembered where you left her and showed up before the room rate expired!

Can y'all see why folks in the ER don't need to read fiction, watch daytime TV or read the Enquirer?

We get all the 'reality' we need merely by showing up at work!