Truth

I came across a quote today from one of my favorite spiritual writers that had me shouting “YES” right through my tears!

If you don’t know the writer, Annie Lamott, you should; she’s fantastic - in a wonderfully authentic, brazen, irreverent, totally self aware but not self absorbed kind of way…

just the gal Jesus would want to hang out with during Happy Hour AND for long walks on a beach discussing life’s mysteries.

Seriously, you have to check her out!

Anyhoo ... when I re-read (in Grace Eventually: Thoughts on Faith)

"You can get the monkey off your back, but the circus never leaves town.",

I recognized instantly that's exactly what I’m struggling with - co-mingled, of course, with all the other ‘stuff’ connected to my moms death.

I’ve referred before to my family of origin as a ‘circus’ – an attempt to make the reality more pleasant - and more transient - than it ever was.

At the time of my mother’s death, my sister hadn’t seen her for 5 years.

My brother hadn’t seen her for 8 years.

Geographic distance was not the barrier, nor was money for travel.

I’d be hard pressed to say what the obstacle was… I won’t presume to answer for them.

But, as long as I operated as an only child - with their estrangement extending to me as well - I was insulated from having to dip into pockets of past pain.

Having to contact both of them and discuss arrangements reintroduced a whole set of feelings and realities that have blissfully been on hiatus – and, truth be told, I liked it that way.

"I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish”… (Annie Lamott).

Oh yeah… the sister knows me!