Just for the record

I didn’t go to Iona to ‘resolve’ anything.

There were no burning life questions to settle; 

no choices to be made; 

no relationship drama 

which needed space 

for thought 

that only 3000 miles 

from the source can provide. 

According to my ‘plan’,  

I didn’t have a major transitional point in my life 

coming up
for at least 5 years ~~

the time frame I’d given myself,

tentatively, 

to consider retirement 

and a reshuffling of 

who I am 

and how I’ll be living my life. 

Iona was merely was a chance 

to see gorgeous scenery, 

to relax after a few tough years, 

to be with friends, 

old and new, 

and an opportunity to use my camera 

outside the radius of my immediate 

everyday life –

and, in truth, 

it was all of those things.

It’s funny though. 

When you give yourself the gift of time and silence,

if you're lucky, 

you might actually hear what your soul, 

or God, 

is saying to you.

You may even get an answer to a question you didn’t know your heart was asking.

As I’ve already said, 

on Iona, 

I was reading, 

walking, 

laughing, 

crying, 

being silent, 

eating and sleeping well 

and doing more ‘self care’ 

than I had in years. 

In other words – just being – in the very best sense of the word. 

But in moments of silence, 

when it was just me and God, 

I also heard – 

and felt in ways I couldn’t ignore – 

the call to change my life…

not in 5 years, 

but now. 

What feels like 'truth' is that my job is killing me. 

I don’t just mean the physical price I’ve paid 

which I've accepted as ‘normal’ ~ 

high blood pressure, 

high cholesterol, 

poor eating and sleeping patterns, 

the constant adrenaline of ‘fight or flight’ situations 

that take hours to diminish after a shift ends ~ 

all the documented consequences that come from being on the front lines 

of child protection 

in an urban setting 

for more than 3 decades. 

I mean the toll it’s taken on my soul ~ 

what happens to the core of a person 

who continually absorbs

secondary pain 

and perversion 

on a daily basis. 

For years, 

I’ve taken pride in being able to rise above it; 

forcing myself to stay positive, 

seeking beauty in small things, 

focusing on the goodness of the people I work with 

who are in the trenches with me.

And
I don’t mean to minimize the power
of that approach 

or deny that it's worked ~
to an extent ~

that it's allowed me to keep going. 

But denying that damage is being done 

by focusing
on the pieces of ‘wholeness’
that remain

doesn’t mean that damage 

isn’t being done. 

With blinding clarity,
on Iona, 

I was allowed to see that I don’t live a normal life.

It’s not normal
to take 4-6 OTC pain killers a day to get through a shift.

It’s not normal
to need chemicals - either sugar, caffeine 

or the whole gamut of carcinogens in Diet Soda – 

to get through a day.

It’s not normal
being unable to see the world 

without pathological,
diagnostic,
 glasses on.

It's not normal
not to be shocked
at the depravity and cruelty
found in news articles
about salacious crimes;
my mind able to fill in all the details
they don't mention,
because I've had first hand experience
with cases just like it. 

The reality is
there’s another way to live.

I know because I got a glimpse of it. 

And I want more.

I can’t continue to live 

the way I’ve been living. 

It doesn’t feel like I’m burnt out. 

It feels like I’m done.

And that feels very different.

And the 'mountaintop experience'

I had on Iona 

of hearing God say,

“Well done, good and faithful servant, 

but you don’t have to keep flogging yourself 

anymore 

while destroying your health 

and your soul, 

no matter how noble the cause”

is a message I can’t ignore.

A message I won’t ignore. 

The terrifying thing is I have no idea what comes next …

but you can be sure 

I’m going to be figuring it out. 

I wasn't looking for an answer – 

certainly not this one -

but since I trust the source who provided it, 

I’ll trust a way will be provided as well. 

 Stay tuned…